Ok so i kind of left everyone hanging. where did i leave off? Oh yes, I was fed up with the way my life was going and so I finally made a decision. I came home from working a night shift that was a disaster because i hadn't slept in days (important fact) I was an emotional wreck everything seemed to be falling apart. I just did it, I knew it was the right thing but was it easy? heck no. I said the three words I was dreading for months, "It's not working."
Five years over with three words. But this blog is not about my relationship or why it fell apart it is about something much much bigger than that.
So what was my next step? I called my mom. No matter how old you are your mom is someone you can always rely on. I picked up the phone and one day later she was at the airport waiting to be picked up. I was so thankful to have my mom around and little did i no she was the perfect woman to have around.
Remember when I said I had't slept for days, well here is where it becomes an important fact. I still wasn't sleeping. Sleeping pills from my doctor gave me a few hours if that. One night as I lay completely wide awake in bed I decided with my mom to give my life to Jesus. I said the sinners prayer or more like repeated it after my mom. I knew I wanted him in my life, I didn't know how or what it would look like I just knew that anything was better than doing this whole life thing on my own.
Did I magically fall asleep? Unfortunately no, it took days of sleepless nights and finally doctors intervention. I started seeing a counselor and she told me I was depressed, anxiously depressed she had said. And I can remember my exact reaction, "Me, depressed! No way," Can you scream denial any louder Hannah. I think I thought no, I am a Christian now, I can't be depressed still. But I was. I had just left a relationship of five years, said good bye to my future of being married, kids with this person everything i had built up in my mind. was it the right decision to leave, heck yes. But it still hurt.
So I continued to see the counselor, was going to church, was reading my bible but I didn't feel any different. I really expected the day that I became a Christian to have a feeling, but I didn't at first. My mom said you know it in your head it will get to your heart. I remember thinking "okay mom, when exactly is that going to happen?" And it didn't happen right away.
Two weeks later I decided to go for a walk by myself bring my journal my ipod and get a cup of coffee and write some thoughts down. As I was sitting in Second Cup I finally was honest, I remember writing, "God I'm miserable." It was the first time I had been open with God I wasn't trying to pretend like everything was okay like I did for everyone else in my life. And then all of the sudden where i was sitting was illuminated by light. One of the workers had turned the lights on because it was getting dark outside, but it was symbolic to be. I just started to sob, uncontrollably in Second Cup. This is when the feeling came. Finally. I just surrendered everything to him, work, my happiness everything I just knew it was all going to be okay. It had been weeks since I felt any glimmer of happiness and after the tears came joy. Indescribable joy. I packed up and started to walk home which turned into a dance. I suddenly had this energy and happiness i was laughing and crying and dancing in the streets and i couldn't stop and I didn't want to because I met God at Second Cup.
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