I recently embarked on an absolutely amazing journey, one that I can only give credit and props to God for. I just spent two and a half weeks in Europe, well to be more specific France, Belgium, and England. I was fortunate enough to join my younger sisters semester abroad for the last leg of their journey which included the three countries I just mentioned. I went with little expectations as to what I would take away from this experience and man was I ever surprised in the end.
If you have read my past two blogs you will already know that some life altering events have occurred within the past 6 months. Well they just continued to pour out as I was in Europe.
Initially I was very hesitant about how I would integrate into the group. There was a total of approximately 33 people, all who knew each other from school and who had just spent the past 5 weeks camping and traveling across Europe with one another. Would I fit in, or would I feel like a complete outcast? Well two days had passed and I was completely convinced that I would not be making any new friends. I told my sister "I don't paint, I don't understand art, I can't play guitar, I am not a writer, I was a science major, I DO NOT FIT IN." My sister convinced me not to make judgements and to just go with the flow. I was trying, truly I was but I wondered if I could or would be accepted for who I am.
Two more days passed and Paris was in our rear view mirror and Belgium a picture painted over the horizon. I was starting to feel a little better about the integration process and really felt like I had made a hasty judgement of the people I was spending the next three weeks with. To be honest I cannot pin point an exact moment or interaction when everything changed, instead it was an accumulation of heart felt conversations where I was able to share who I am, tell people where I have been and discuss where I am heading or hoping to go in my life. It was wonderful; I was finally able to put everything I have learned about myself in the past 6 months into action, and better yet people responded positively to the mask free Hannah. Who would have known? Ironically God did :)
All that validation and healing from the past months that God had been doing on me finally was concreted into my heart by the people that he put in my life.
I have discovered that life is an ongoing renovation and if you allow God in you will be drastically and indescribably transformed in a way that no one can ever put into adequate words. He rescued my heart and so delicately has been doing surgery ever since.
Tuesday, 26 July 2011
Friday, 4 March 2011
I met God at Second Cup.
Ok so i kind of left everyone hanging. where did i leave off? Oh yes, I was fed up with the way my life was going and so I finally made a decision. I came home from working a night shift that was a disaster because i hadn't slept in days (important fact) I was an emotional wreck everything seemed to be falling apart. I just did it, I knew it was the right thing but was it easy? heck no. I said the three words I was dreading for months, "It's not working."
Five years over with three words. But this blog is not about my relationship or why it fell apart it is about something much much bigger than that.
So what was my next step? I called my mom. No matter how old you are your mom is someone you can always rely on. I picked up the phone and one day later she was at the airport waiting to be picked up. I was so thankful to have my mom around and little did i no she was the perfect woman to have around.
Remember when I said I had't slept for days, well here is where it becomes an important fact. I still wasn't sleeping. Sleeping pills from my doctor gave me a few hours if that. One night as I lay completely wide awake in bed I decided with my mom to give my life to Jesus. I said the sinners prayer or more like repeated it after my mom. I knew I wanted him in my life, I didn't know how or what it would look like I just knew that anything was better than doing this whole life thing on my own.
Did I magically fall asleep? Unfortunately no, it took days of sleepless nights and finally doctors intervention. I started seeing a counselor and she told me I was depressed, anxiously depressed she had said. And I can remember my exact reaction, "Me, depressed! No way," Can you scream denial any louder Hannah. I think I thought no, I am a Christian now, I can't be depressed still. But I was. I had just left a relationship of five years, said good bye to my future of being married, kids with this person everything i had built up in my mind. was it the right decision to leave, heck yes. But it still hurt.
So I continued to see the counselor, was going to church, was reading my bible but I didn't feel any different. I really expected the day that I became a Christian to have a feeling, but I didn't at first. My mom said you know it in your head it will get to your heart. I remember thinking "okay mom, when exactly is that going to happen?" And it didn't happen right away.
Two weeks later I decided to go for a walk by myself bring my journal my ipod and get a cup of coffee and write some thoughts down. As I was sitting in Second Cup I finally was honest, I remember writing, "God I'm miserable." It was the first time I had been open with God I wasn't trying to pretend like everything was okay like I did for everyone else in my life. And then all of the sudden where i was sitting was illuminated by light. One of the workers had turned the lights on because it was getting dark outside, but it was symbolic to be. I just started to sob, uncontrollably in Second Cup. This is when the feeling came. Finally. I just surrendered everything to him, work, my happiness everything I just knew it was all going to be okay. It had been weeks since I felt any glimmer of happiness and after the tears came joy. Indescribable joy. I packed up and started to walk home which turned into a dance. I suddenly had this energy and happiness i was laughing and crying and dancing in the streets and i couldn't stop and I didn't want to because I met God at Second Cup.
Five years over with three words. But this blog is not about my relationship or why it fell apart it is about something much much bigger than that.
So what was my next step? I called my mom. No matter how old you are your mom is someone you can always rely on. I picked up the phone and one day later she was at the airport waiting to be picked up. I was so thankful to have my mom around and little did i no she was the perfect woman to have around.
Remember when I said I had't slept for days, well here is where it becomes an important fact. I still wasn't sleeping. Sleeping pills from my doctor gave me a few hours if that. One night as I lay completely wide awake in bed I decided with my mom to give my life to Jesus. I said the sinners prayer or more like repeated it after my mom. I knew I wanted him in my life, I didn't know how or what it would look like I just knew that anything was better than doing this whole life thing on my own.
Did I magically fall asleep? Unfortunately no, it took days of sleepless nights and finally doctors intervention. I started seeing a counselor and she told me I was depressed, anxiously depressed she had said. And I can remember my exact reaction, "Me, depressed! No way," Can you scream denial any louder Hannah. I think I thought no, I am a Christian now, I can't be depressed still. But I was. I had just left a relationship of five years, said good bye to my future of being married, kids with this person everything i had built up in my mind. was it the right decision to leave, heck yes. But it still hurt.
So I continued to see the counselor, was going to church, was reading my bible but I didn't feel any different. I really expected the day that I became a Christian to have a feeling, but I didn't at first. My mom said you know it in your head it will get to your heart. I remember thinking "okay mom, when exactly is that going to happen?" And it didn't happen right away.
Two weeks later I decided to go for a walk by myself bring my journal my ipod and get a cup of coffee and write some thoughts down. As I was sitting in Second Cup I finally was honest, I remember writing, "God I'm miserable." It was the first time I had been open with God I wasn't trying to pretend like everything was okay like I did for everyone else in my life. And then all of the sudden where i was sitting was illuminated by light. One of the workers had turned the lights on because it was getting dark outside, but it was symbolic to be. I just started to sob, uncontrollably in Second Cup. This is when the feeling came. Finally. I just surrendered everything to him, work, my happiness everything I just knew it was all going to be okay. It had been weeks since I felt any glimmer of happiness and after the tears came joy. Indescribable joy. I packed up and started to walk home which turned into a dance. I suddenly had this energy and happiness i was laughing and crying and dancing in the streets and i couldn't stop and I didn't want to because I met God at Second Cup.
Sunday, 20 February 2011
A Purpose Driven Life
The beginning is always a good place to start but to be honest it can be a long drawn out story when you start there. So instead i will start with my new beginning.
January 17th 2011 is where my journey started. Jesus Christ became my savior my everything.
Alright I will give a little bit of the back story so that it all makes sense.
I grew up a happy child, Happy Hannah was my nick name. I laughed, I played and I enjoyed life. As I grew up I became less and less happy. I grew up in a Christian home. My parents encouraged all of their children including me to have a relationship not just religion.
As i became a teenager I stopped talking and walking with God. I wanted to feel accepted and loved and I looked for it in many different places. I tried to find it in people, friends, things, men. The list goes on and on and on but did it bring me love and acceptance and ultimately happiness? I bet you can guess what the answer to this question is.
I was at the place where i was engaged to be married and the wedding date was fast approaching. I began to think, Is this it? Is this what my life is going to be? I felt so alone. Ironically enough that was what i was afraid of, being alone and there i was people surrounding me yet I felt utterly alone. I never told anyone how i felt I remained silent.
So many things ran through my mind, I shouldn't feel this way, I am getting married. This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life, yet it wasn't:.
I felt depressed, correction i was depressed. Hard to admit it but i was. I knew there was more than this.
I knew i couldn't continue living my life like this, I knew deep down that i needed to make a change.
I remember sitting in a coffee pub with my younger sister talking about life and she seemed so different. She had recently returned from a trip to Asia. She came back a different person and I knew I wanted what she had. This exuberant passion for life, it was unmistakable the joy that she had. I remember her telling me how God has become more important in her life. She didn't push anything on me she just simply told me the truth in a manner I related to and could accept.
Three months later my relationship with my fiance was nothing but one fight after another, work was becoming overly stressful and i had had enough.
to be continued...
January 17th 2011 is where my journey started. Jesus Christ became my savior my everything.
Alright I will give a little bit of the back story so that it all makes sense.
I grew up a happy child, Happy Hannah was my nick name. I laughed, I played and I enjoyed life. As I grew up I became less and less happy. I grew up in a Christian home. My parents encouraged all of their children including me to have a relationship not just religion.
As i became a teenager I stopped talking and walking with God. I wanted to feel accepted and loved and I looked for it in many different places. I tried to find it in people, friends, things, men. The list goes on and on and on but did it bring me love and acceptance and ultimately happiness? I bet you can guess what the answer to this question is.
I was at the place where i was engaged to be married and the wedding date was fast approaching. I began to think, Is this it? Is this what my life is going to be? I felt so alone. Ironically enough that was what i was afraid of, being alone and there i was people surrounding me yet I felt utterly alone. I never told anyone how i felt I remained silent.
So many things ran through my mind, I shouldn't feel this way, I am getting married. This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life, yet it wasn't:.
I felt depressed, correction i was depressed. Hard to admit it but i was. I knew there was more than this.
I knew i couldn't continue living my life like this, I knew deep down that i needed to make a change.
I remember sitting in a coffee pub with my younger sister talking about life and she seemed so different. She had recently returned from a trip to Asia. She came back a different person and I knew I wanted what she had. This exuberant passion for life, it was unmistakable the joy that she had. I remember her telling me how God has become more important in her life. She didn't push anything on me she just simply told me the truth in a manner I related to and could accept.
Three months later my relationship with my fiance was nothing but one fight after another, work was becoming overly stressful and i had had enough.
to be continued...
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