Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice

So I am sitting on my bed with my laptop in tow and I can't help but think, I have done this before. I went to work, I came home, relaxed with coffee, some blogging and then proceeded to have dinner on the back porch with my parents and grandmother. Guess what, now I am back on my bed fervently typing and watching T.V. Wait I have done this before, over and over and over again. I need to spice things up a little, any suggestions? 

He Knows Just What I Need...

I have recently started a second job, both jobs in retail. Everything was going great until i ran into a scheduling issue. It seemed both jobs wanted me to work the same day or at least be available to work and neither was willing to budge meaning i had a dilemma. I started freaking out; my mind went every which way, essentially creating a much bigger problem in my head than what it was. None the less, I was frantic and in my time of need i prayed. I asked God to help me work with both my supervisors in order to come to some kind of conclusion. I also ask for my one manager to be accommodating and understanding to my situation.

Okay so i brought the issue up with my one manager and to my surprise he was very agreeable, said that what I had suggested would work and that it would not be a problem. So that was nothing short of a miracle because I had felt some tension when I initially had out in my revised availability when I first started my second job, but not this time. I am starting to see that God really wants me to rely on him. Whether is is with my finances, my family, friends, workplace, whatever I have in my life he wants me to be able to bring my issues and problems to him. Trust him that he will help me work things out. Well, thank you God for being so good to me. Each and every day I get so see a little bit more of his goodness, and his blessings in my life and I    am so fortunate.

Why Doesn't the Flattery Flatter Me?

Okay, so most of my blog entries, actually all of them up to date have been about my relationship with God. This blog is going to be a bit different. If you do not like different then i suggest you just stop reading when i put the period at the end of this sentence.

My very best friend got married yesterday. cheers, it was such a beautiful day filled with multiple beautiful moments. One of the most memorable ones for me was simply seeing the pure joy in both my best friends face but her new husbands. Did I feel a pang of jealousy? I would be lying through my teeth if I told you that I wasn't feeling some shade of green at a point throughout the night. New people and new possibilities have been placed in front of me, yet I feel so utterly unwilling to taste test any of them? Why is it that i long for something but will not get off the couch or put the bag of chips down to get what I want? Maybe some of you would say it is because that is not the right thing for my life right now and I subconsciously know that, so I am simply avoiding mess. Or maybe there is nothing to even avoid. Now I am simply being cryptic. I think this is where i say adeau. I am just working out some thoughts. Thank you for being patient as I ramble. I needed tp ramble.

What radio station are you tuned into?

So I am struggling right now with including God in my everyday simple life. When i reflect back on each and every second of everyday I am left wondering why I didn't ask God for his advice in this situation, or tell him about that awesome thing that happened to me, or simply just communicating. A relationship falls apart when their is a lack of communication, so why is it any different when it comes to our relationship with God? Why is it that our internal radio stations are only tuned into God when we spend time in our devotions that 30 minutes in the morning? I am left feeling a little less than satisfied living my life this way. So today I challenge myself and anyone else who is willing to join me to live tomorrow and every day proceeding full of an ongoing dialogue with the one who desperately wants to communicate with us.

so now what?

Okay so i am starting to feel settled here in the wonderful south where the peaches grow abundantly on trees. or so they say since i have yet to see a peach tree, but non the less i am rooted. funny thing is now that i feel like i could call this place home i want to leave. But will a change of scenery really make any difference to my happiness? Maybe, one can only find the answer to that question by leaving. But is that what my future holds? I just want to have some direction in my life. This is singularly the most difficult thing for me; surrendering my future into Gods hands. Sure people can tell you over and over and over again that he knows best, and I never doubt them when they speak these words, but there is a big difference in believing something and then actually living your life in it.

Most of my blogs have been filled with insight or some kind of revelation in my life. This blog i feel is going down a very different path. I am just simply putting my thoughts down on paper or better described as on screen. What is next? I guess I will have to be patient. I will let you know when I figure it out.

A Heart Renovation

I recently embarked on an absolutely amazing journey, one that I can only give credit and props to God for. I just spent two and a half weeks in Europe, well to be more specific France, Belgium, and England. I was fortunate enough to join my younger sisters semester abroad for the last leg of their journey which included the three countries I just mentioned. I went with little expectations as to what I would take away from this experience and man was I ever surprised in the end.

If you have read my past two blogs you will already know that some life altering events have occurred within the past 6 months. Well they just continued to pour out as I was in Europe.

Initially I was very hesitant about how I would integrate into the group. There was a total of approximately 33 people, all who knew each other from school and who had just spent the past 5 weeks camping and traveling across Europe with one another. Would I fit in, or would I feel like a complete outcast? Well two days had passed and I was completely convinced that I would not be making any new friends. I told my sister "I don't paint, I don't understand art, I can't play guitar, I am not a writer, I was a science major, I DO NOT FIT IN." My sister convinced me not to make judgements and to just go with the flow. I was trying, truly I was but I wondered if I could or would be accepted for who I am.

Two more days passed and Paris was in our rear view mirror and Belgium a picture painted over the horizon. I was starting to feel a little better about the integration process and really felt like I had made a hasty judgement of the people I was spending the next three weeks with. To be honest I cannot pin point an exact moment or interaction when everything changed, instead it was an accumulation of heart felt conversations where I was able to share who I am, tell people where I have been and discuss where I am heading or hoping to go in my life. It was wonderful; I was finally able to put everything I have learned about myself in the past 6 months into action, and better yet people responded positively to the mask free Hannah. Who would have known? Ironically God did :)

All that validation and healing from the past months that God had been doing on me finally was concreted into my heart by the people that he put in my life.

I have discovered that life is an ongoing renovation and if you allow God in you will be drastically and indescribably transformed in a way that no one can ever put into adequate words. He rescued my heart and so delicately has been doing surgery ever since.

I met God at Second Cup.

Ok so i kind of left everyone hanging. where did i leave off? Oh yes, I was fed up with the way my life was going and so I finally made a decision. I came home from working a night shift that was a disaster because i hadn't slept in days (important fact) I was an emotional wreck everything seemed to be falling apart. I just did it, I knew it was the right thing but was it easy? heck no. I said the three words I was dreading for months, "It's not working."

Five years over with three words. But this blog is not about my relationship or why it fell apart it is about something much much bigger than that.

So what was my next step? I called my mom. No matter how old you are your mom is someone you can always rely on. I picked up the phone and one day later she was at the airport waiting to be picked up. I was so thankful to have my mom around and little did i no she was the perfect woman to have around.

Remember when I said I had't slept for days, well here is where it becomes an important fact. I still wasn't sleeping. Sleeping pills from my doctor gave me a few hours if that. One night as I lay completely wide awake in bed I decided with my mom to give my life to Jesus. I said the sinners prayer or more like repeated it after my mom. I knew I wanted him in my life, I didn't know how or what it would look like I just knew that anything was better than doing this whole life thing on my own.

Did I magically fall asleep? Unfortunately no, it took days of sleepless nights and finally doctors intervention. I started seeing a counselor and she told me I was depressed, anxiously depressed she had said. And I can remember my exact reaction, "Me, depressed! No way," Can you scream denial any louder Hannah. I think I thought no, I am a Christian now, I can't be depressed still. But I was. I had just left a relationship of five years, said good bye to my future of being married, kids with this person everything i had built up in my mind. was it the right decision to leave, heck yes. But it still hurt.

So I continued to see the counselor, was going to church, was reading my bible but I didn't feel any different. I really expected the day that I became a Christian to have a feeling, but I didn't at first. My mom said you know it in your head it will get to your heart. I remember thinking "okay mom, when exactly is that going to happen?" And it didn't happen right away.

Two weeks later I decided to go for a walk by myself bring my journal my ipod and get a cup of coffee and write some thoughts down. As I was sitting in Second Cup I finally was honest, I remember writing, "God I'm miserable." It was the first time I had been open with God I wasn't trying to pretend like everything was okay like I did for everyone else in my life. And then all of the sudden where i was sitting was illuminated by light. One of the workers had turned the lights on because it was getting dark outside, but it was symbolic to be. I just started to sob, uncontrollably in Second Cup. This is when the feeling came. Finally. I just surrendered everything to him, work, my happiness everything I just knew it was all going to be okay. It had been weeks since I felt any glimmer of happiness and after the tears came joy. Indescribable joy. I packed up and started to walk home which turned into a dance. I suddenly had this energy and happiness i was laughing and crying and dancing in the streets and i couldn't stop and I didn't want to because I met God at Second Cup.