His Love Never Fails

It is about this time of year when I start feeling nostalgic and decide that reading my past journal entries is a good idea. And I am never disappointed. Three years ago my life took a drastic detour from the road it was speeding down. But this didn't happen without a huge wreck first. I think what I want to capture most in this entry and relay to anyone reading is how thankful I am for life. Sure to many I was living before. Heck, the Meriamm-Webster dictionary defines life as "the quality that distinguishes a vital and functional being from a dead body." So yeah, by this world's standards I was breathing in oxygen and breathing out carbon dioxide, living, I had life but on the inside I was wilting away, that is until I met Jesus.  There is no way to summarize all that He has done for me in the last three years without writing a novel, and let's be honest with ourselves, I am not a very good writer and I also do not have that kind of time on my hands, but what I can say is that His love never fails (Psalm 136), it never runs out and it will never give up on you.

Alive

Time ticks by but i don't feel a day older than the previous. I feel alive when your with me. No matter where I go, or what I do I know that I will always have joy in my soul. You are my provider, my rescuer, my comforter, my everything, my Savior!!! When did life get so good? Was it when I stopped worrying about all the ridiculous trivial issues that have so many times consumed my thoughts? Was it when I felt the music in my soul, it crept slowly but surely out of my body. First through my fingers and my toes and then I couldn't contain myself; full body moving in unison with the music!! I FEEL ALIVE! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2tMKO_9SD1Y

Life's lens

The melody of the guitar and a language foreign to my ears embrace my senses. As I sit in a coffee shop (how all my stories generally begin) I stop and think to myself, “when was the last time that I really took time out of my busy schedule to do the things that I enjoy doing just for me?” I search frantically in my mind for the answer and after a few moments of pondering I come up empty. The past four months have been dedicated to as busy a social calendar as I could possibly manage and I am left feeling depleted. It is time to rejuvenate and the best way I do this is unplugged, uncharged, and totally unafraid to explore. I love to take in life through a contemplative lens; filtering what comes my way with intention to unravel truth.  The best part is that this lens isn’t mine alone anymore, it’s Jesus' too. What better way to view the world than through the creator’s eye. I will admit, in all honesty this does not come naturally to me. At the end the day how many times have I said “me, myself and I”?? Likely a great deal more than I utilize “you” in my vocabulary. That, my friends needs to change. 

A new arrangement...

I am sitting in my bed listening to "One thing remains" a song i have sung and listened to countless times, but somehow this time it has a new meaning to my life. So i stopped what i was doing, what i was thinking about and decided it was worth deciphering. I asked myself why does this song seem new, inviting in a way that I have not experienced before? And then the answer came to me, it has a beautiful new arrangement. Interesting how something so familiar can take on a whole new meaning by changing the tempo, the key sung in, the melody of the musicality, yet it is still the same song.

In many ways this reminds me of life. You continuously "sing" the same "song" and eventually it can become thoughtless, background noise, meaningless. Well, let's give our lives a new arrangement. I feel 2013 is a year full of potential for taking what God has given you and asking how he is going to rearrange it and then step into it.

Are you ready to mix this song up with me?

I'll become even more undeignified than this

It is ten days into the year 2012 and I have really been questioning where these next 12 months are going to take me? When I look back on 2011 so many emotions surface; joy, sadness, heartache, but above all else happiness. God has filled my first year with him with undescribable awesomeness (not a word but indulge with me for a moment). I have the sense that last year was about myself, as selfish as that sounds God really wanted me to understand his unconditional love for me. Looking back at my journal entry from February 3rd I read "I want you to know my love Hannah." a phrase I heard while sitting silent listening praying for something, anything to to soothe the ache I felt.

Now the ache is no longer there, 365 days of healing  and growing have brought me to a place I couldn't have ever dreamed I would be. So enough about 2011 this entry infact is about 2012. I really feel a pull to let loose, to recklessly abandon my worries, my predisposed notions of how I am to act and be in society and to embrace my love for Jesus and not be so selfish with it. This is a year full of building new relaiotnships, nurishing old ones and embracing all that Jesus wants for this hurting world. Yes, I am only one person but with you that makes two and then three and then four. Join me this year on a journey of being what He wants you to be and stepping out of the fear of worrying what "They" want you to be.

"In God's presence I'll dance all I want!...Oh yes, 'll dance in God's glory- more recklessly even than this. And as far as I am concerned... I'll gladly look like a fool." 2 Samuel 6:22

Let's be a little more like David this year.

Thank you 2011

This past year I have truly discovered that God has an innate sense of humour, which makes perfect sense when you really think about it. After all we are made in his image and all love to enjoy a belly rolling, eyes tearing laugh every once in a while. So it is only natural that our creator would enjoy the same.

When I first started my walk with Jesus this January it was more a leap of faith than I can put into words. I was at a point where to smile was painful, to do anything was painful; physically, emotionally, mentally my whole body ached from injury. Injuries accumulated over the duration of way too much time away from God and so much time spent in a broken dysfunctional relationship. Now that I have put into context my life at this time you will better understand what I describe next.

I had just handed in my resignation from my job, decided to sell everything in my apartment pack up my little versa and move to a new country 15 hours away from what I knew to be home for most if not all my life. At church the last Sunday before I was to make my big move I was speaking with my pastor and he had a word for me. He told me that he saw a picture of me overflowing with joy, like a spring of water. And there was no pain insight, the joy over took me and I couldn't even remember the pain that I was experiencing at that very moment what was so real to me would be nothing more than a distant memory.

For the past 6 months these words remianed with me, I loved the hope that it brought, to think that God had this promise of such joy waiting for me. I have realized as 2011 is coming to an end and I am forced to look back on the year and all that I encountered that I infact have experienced this vision on more than one occasion. The joy of crossing the pond to a world that I only ever dreamed of exepriencing, the people I met when I was there, the pure joy of seeing a culture that I connected with immediately, the laughter I have shared with new friends and old alike, the warmth that radiated through my body as I saw my very best friend get married this fall, phone conversations that last half the day talking about nothing but enjoying everything, dancing with my father, baking with my sisters, skype dates where I cleaned out my closet and making money off of it, great music discovered, an amazing latte, feeling Jesus right beside me every day of my life, getting back up when I fall, taking on each day as a new challenge, living my life hopeful for the future and respectful of my past, connecting with people in a way that is refreshing and somewhat unknown but invigorating all the same. All I can say is that I feel the spring of overflowing joy, and I am truely greatful for each step I take, even when I am unsure of where my foot will fall.

You have been one amazing year 2011, Thank You!!

Social networking isn't social at all!

I am sitting in a coffee house, well lets start this blog off being truthful, Starbucks, and I am surrounded by technology. Technology comes in many forms, people on cellphones, people on their laptops, people reading their kindles, people doing anything but connecting with other people. My mom's best friend is visiting from Canada for the week and we had a nice little chat this morning before i went to work about technology and what it is doing to our society as a whole. How many times today alone have you checked your facebook? And what were you hoping to get out of those twenty plus visits to a site dedicated to you. Are we really that important? I think we would like to think so, and the better question is why are we checking a website to see what our friends have to say to us when we could just pick up the phone and chat with them, or better yet when possible sit in a cafe with them and converse face to face. When did electronic social networking become the favorable way to connect with our peers? How easy is it to hide behind a computer or even a text. Do not get me wrong I love technology and I know it has a place in our lives, but when did it become more important to bring your cellphone with you on that jog then to just go for the jog? Seriously, I saw this with my own two eyes yesterday on the Greenway, a lady jogging and chatting on her phone. Well at least she wasn't checking her facebook page!

Basically this post is to make you think, think about where your life is headed, where our society is headed and if you want to join it? I put this challenge to anyone who is reading this post; one week facebook free. Can you do it?

Midnight Music

My sister shared this song with me today in an email and I feel it would be truly selfish to keep it to myself, so I am sharing it with you all now.

Enjoy: John Mark McMillan, Carbon Ribs

http://grooveshark.com/#/s/Carbon+Ribs/3UQgNd?src=5

Embrace the journey on your way to your destination

I have been very house bound these past few weeks. Actually to be more specific room bound. I spend much time on my bed with my laptop on my lap (go figure) and the television playing in the background. So this Thursday after work I decided to get some much needed exercise and go for a walk on the Greenway boardwalk a mile from my house.

It was near 5pm so the sun was starting to take its decent and it begged to blind my eyes, the fall leaves crunched under my feet, the smell of cool air embraced my lungs and grabbed so tightly making it more and more difficult to breathe as i took each passing step. I was about half way through my walk when i noticed a side path off of the main boardwalk. Deciding that this adventure needed some spicing up I decided to follow the dirt path. Beyond the trees i found a little stream, so I sauntered down to the edge of the water and plotted myself down. I just sat and listened to the water trickle past and I couldn't help but wonder; when was the last time I enjoyed my surroundings? I was hard struck to find a time when I simply enjoyed the journey, not being completely preoccupied with my destination. Something so simple as going for a walk, the entire time I am walking I usually am concerned with how long I have been walking, how much longer I have to go and when will i reach my car so I can begin my next task. How many times have I missed the colourful crunching leaves under my shoes, or the warmth of the sun on my face or the pure fact that God has created such beauty all around me and I ignore it almost every single day.

In the grand scheme of things I have been living my life much with the same attitude as I have when I go for a walk, what is my destination and how long until i get there. I am so concerned with what my next step is in life that I miss the enjoyment of taking the step. It is time to stop walking through my life like a New Yorker, only concerned with where I am going, and instead start enjoying everything in my life with all my five senses maybe more so like a tourist visiting the big apple for the very first time. There is no point in getting to ones destination without being able to remember the journey that got you there.

Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice

So I am sitting on my bed with my laptop in tow and I can't help but think, I have done this before. I went to work, I came home, relaxed with coffee, some blogging and then proceeded to have dinner on the back porch with my parents and grandmother. Guess what, now I am back on my bed fervently typing and watching T.V. Wait I have done this before, over and over and over again. I need to spice things up a little, any suggestions? 

He Knows Just What I Need...

I have recently started a second job, both jobs in retail. Everything was going great until i ran into a scheduling issue. It seemed both jobs wanted me to work the same day or at least be available to work and neither was willing to budge meaning i had a dilemma. I started freaking out; my mind went every which way, essentially creating a much bigger problem in my head than what it was. None the less, I was frantic and in my time of need i prayed. I asked God to help me work with both my supervisors in order to come to some kind of conclusion. I also ask for my one manager to be accommodating and understanding to my situation.

Okay so i brought the issue up with my one manager and to my surprise he was very agreeable, said that what I had suggested would work and that it would not be a problem. So that was nothing short of a miracle because I had felt some tension when I initially had out in my revised availability when I first started my second job, but not this time. I am starting to see that God really wants me to rely on him. Whether is is with my finances, my family, friends, workplace, whatever I have in my life he wants me to be able to bring my issues and problems to him. Trust him that he will help me work things out. Well, thank you God for being so good to me. Each and every day I get so see a little bit more of his goodness, and his blessings in my life and I    am so fortunate.

Why Doesn't the Flattery Flatter Me?

Okay, so most of my blog entries, actually all of them up to date have been about my relationship with God. This blog is going to be a bit different. If you do not like different then i suggest you just stop reading when i put the period at the end of this sentence.

My very best friend got married yesterday. cheers, it was such a beautiful day filled with multiple beautiful moments. One of the most memorable ones for me was simply seeing the pure joy in both my best friends face but her new husbands. Did I feel a pang of jealousy? I would be lying through my teeth if I told you that I wasn't feeling some shade of green at a point throughout the night. New people and new possibilities have been placed in front of me, yet I feel so utterly unwilling to taste test any of them? Why is it that i long for something but will not get off the couch or put the bag of chips down to get what I want? Maybe some of you would say it is because that is not the right thing for my life right now and I subconsciously know that, so I am simply avoiding mess. Or maybe there is nothing to even avoid. Now I am simply being cryptic. I think this is where i say adeau. I am just working out some thoughts. Thank you for being patient as I ramble. I needed tp ramble.

What radio station are you tuned into?

So I am struggling right now with including God in my everyday simple life. When i reflect back on each and every second of everyday I am left wondering why I didn't ask God for his advice in this situation, or tell him about that awesome thing that happened to me, or simply just communicating. A relationship falls apart when their is a lack of communication, so why is it any different when it comes to our relationship with God? Why is it that our internal radio stations are only tuned into God when we spend time in our devotions that 30 minutes in the morning? I am left feeling a little less than satisfied living my life this way. So today I challenge myself and anyone else who is willing to join me to live tomorrow and every day proceeding full of an ongoing dialogue with the one who desperately wants to communicate with us.

so now what?

Okay so i am starting to feel settled here in the wonderful south where the peaches grow abundantly on trees. or so they say since i have yet to see a peach tree, but non the less i am rooted. funny thing is now that i feel like i could call this place home i want to leave. But will a change of scenery really make any difference to my happiness? Maybe, one can only find the answer to that question by leaving. But is that what my future holds? I just want to have some direction in my life. This is singularly the most difficult thing for me; surrendering my future into Gods hands. Sure people can tell you over and over and over again that he knows best, and I never doubt them when they speak these words, but there is a big difference in believing something and then actually living your life in it.

Most of my blogs have been filled with insight or some kind of revelation in my life. This blog i feel is going down a very different path. I am just simply putting my thoughts down on paper or better described as on screen. What is next? I guess I will have to be patient. I will let you know when I figure it out.

A Heart Renovation

I recently embarked on an absolutely amazing journey, one that I can only give credit and props to God for. I just spent two and a half weeks in Europe, well to be more specific France, Belgium, and England. I was fortunate enough to join my younger sisters semester abroad for the last leg of their journey which included the three countries I just mentioned. I went with little expectations as to what I would take away from this experience and man was I ever surprised in the end.

If you have read my past two blogs you will already know that some life altering events have occurred within the past 6 months. Well they just continued to pour out as I was in Europe.

Initially I was very hesitant about how I would integrate into the group. There was a total of approximately 33 people, all who knew each other from school and who had just spent the past 5 weeks camping and traveling across Europe with one another. Would I fit in, or would I feel like a complete outcast? Well two days had passed and I was completely convinced that I would not be making any new friends. I told my sister "I don't paint, I don't understand art, I can't play guitar, I am not a writer, I was a science major, I DO NOT FIT IN." My sister convinced me not to make judgements and to just go with the flow. I was trying, truly I was but I wondered if I could or would be accepted for who I am.

Two more days passed and Paris was in our rear view mirror and Belgium a picture painted over the horizon. I was starting to feel a little better about the integration process and really felt like I had made a hasty judgement of the people I was spending the next three weeks with. To be honest I cannot pin point an exact moment or interaction when everything changed, instead it was an accumulation of heart felt conversations where I was able to share who I am, tell people where I have been and discuss where I am heading or hoping to go in my life. It was wonderful; I was finally able to put everything I have learned about myself in the past 6 months into action, and better yet people responded positively to the mask free Hannah. Who would have known? Ironically God did :)

All that validation and healing from the past months that God had been doing on me finally was concreted into my heart by the people that he put in my life.

I have discovered that life is an ongoing renovation and if you allow God in you will be drastically and indescribably transformed in a way that no one can ever put into adequate words. He rescued my heart and so delicately has been doing surgery ever since.

I met God at Second Cup.

Ok so i kind of left everyone hanging. where did i leave off? Oh yes, I was fed up with the way my life was going and so I finally made a decision. I came home from working a night shift that was a disaster because i hadn't slept in days (important fact) I was an emotional wreck everything seemed to be falling apart. I just did it, I knew it was the right thing but was it easy? heck no. I said the three words I was dreading for months, "It's not working."

Five years over with three words. But this blog is not about my relationship or why it fell apart it is about something much much bigger than that.

So what was my next step? I called my mom. No matter how old you are your mom is someone you can always rely on. I picked up the phone and one day later she was at the airport waiting to be picked up. I was so thankful to have my mom around and little did i no she was the perfect woman to have around.

Remember when I said I had't slept for days, well here is where it becomes an important fact. I still wasn't sleeping. Sleeping pills from my doctor gave me a few hours if that. One night as I lay completely wide awake in bed I decided with my mom to give my life to Jesus. I said the sinners prayer or more like repeated it after my mom. I knew I wanted him in my life, I didn't know how or what it would look like I just knew that anything was better than doing this whole life thing on my own.

Did I magically fall asleep? Unfortunately no, it took days of sleepless nights and finally doctors intervention. I started seeing a counselor and she told me I was depressed, anxiously depressed she had said. And I can remember my exact reaction, "Me, depressed! No way," Can you scream denial any louder Hannah. I think I thought no, I am a Christian now, I can't be depressed still. But I was. I had just left a relationship of five years, said good bye to my future of being married, kids with this person everything i had built up in my mind. was it the right decision to leave, heck yes. But it still hurt.

So I continued to see the counselor, was going to church, was reading my bible but I didn't feel any different. I really expected the day that I became a Christian to have a feeling, but I didn't at first. My mom said you know it in your head it will get to your heart. I remember thinking "okay mom, when exactly is that going to happen?" And it didn't happen right away.

Two weeks later I decided to go for a walk by myself bring my journal my ipod and get a cup of coffee and write some thoughts down. As I was sitting in Second Cup I finally was honest, I remember writing, "God I'm miserable." It was the first time I had been open with God I wasn't trying to pretend like everything was okay like I did for everyone else in my life. And then all of the sudden where i was sitting was illuminated by light. One of the workers had turned the lights on because it was getting dark outside, but it was symbolic to be. I just started to sob, uncontrollably in Second Cup. This is when the feeling came. Finally. I just surrendered everything to him, work, my happiness everything I just knew it was all going to be okay. It had been weeks since I felt any glimmer of happiness and after the tears came joy. Indescribable joy. I packed up and started to walk home which turned into a dance. I suddenly had this energy and happiness i was laughing and crying and dancing in the streets and i couldn't stop and I didn't want to because I met God at Second Cup.

A Purpose Driven Life

The beginning is always a good place to start but to be honest it can be a long drawn out story when you start there. So instead i will start with my new beginning.

January 17th 2011 is where my journey started. Jesus Christ became my savior my everything.

Alright I will give a little bit of the back story so that it all makes sense.

I grew up a happy child, Happy Hannah was my nick name. I laughed, I played and I enjoyed life. As I grew up I became less and less happy. I grew up in a Christian home. My parents encouraged all of their children including me to have a relationship not just religion.

As i became a teenager I stopped talking and walking with God. I wanted to feel accepted and loved and I looked for it in many different places. I tried to find it in people, friends, things, men. The list goes on and on and on but did it bring me love and acceptance and ultimately happiness? I bet you can guess what the answer to this question  is.

I was at the place where i was engaged to be married and the wedding date was fast approaching. I began to think, Is this it? Is this what my life is going to be? I felt so alone. Ironically enough that was what i was afraid of, being alone and there i was people surrounding me yet I felt utterly alone. I never told anyone how i felt I remained silent.

So many things ran through my mind, I shouldn't feel this way, I am getting married. This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life, yet it wasn't:.

I felt depressed, correction i was depressed. Hard to admit it but i was. I knew there was more than this.

I knew i couldn't continue living my life like this, I knew deep down that i needed to make a change.

I remember sitting in a coffee pub with my younger sister talking about life and she seemed so different. She had recently returned from a trip to Asia. She came back a different person and I knew I wanted what she had. This exuberant passion for life, it was unmistakable the joy that she had. I remember her telling me how God has become more important in her life. She didn't push anything on me she just simply told me the truth in a manner I related to and could accept.

Three months later my relationship with my fiance was nothing but one fight after another, work was becoming  overly stressful and i had had enough.

to be continued...